Laundry

I'm in a funk today and I know why. Last night I lost my temper with the cats. Yes, I'm talking about the cats again. 

I've never raised my voice to them, been stern yes but never yelled in anger. Ouch. I've been working to replace that behavior with mindfulness for awhile, with reasonable success! The reality of my behavior has been cringy to face all day. AND, I yelled at my cat who is healing from dog trauma. So here's how it went...

All through Friday night, I would wake to find Louise sleeping at the foot of bed (this is fairly new and rare). Then Thelma joined her for awhile, which is unheard of! I was so excited. We've been together almost a year now and they're still too skiddish to sleep with me, so this was a breakthrough night. Saturday afternoon, I took a nap and Louise joined me. But not at the foot of the bed, she curled up in a spoon with me as I pet her. She fell asleep and I listened to her sweet snores for awhile. It was a perfect moment. 

Saturday night, as I was streaming my stories Louise snoozed at the foot of the bed. After awhile she got down, then awhile later I shifted in the bed and felt moisture. What? Feel around... look... YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!!! One full piss was bestowed upon my bed and bedding. Several layers soaked with cat urine. You have got to be fucking kidding me. And there we have the snap. I yelled, cussed, stormed around as I tore the bed apart and replaced all the bedding. It was late and this was very unexpected. I lost it. 

I spent Saturday night nudging her off the bed the few times she tried to join me. "No more Louise on the bed" I said. Fair enough. I feel OK about that one. Still I woke feeling pained, grabbed my phone to see what other people say about dealing with this sort of thing, and came up with a couple of ideas. 

This wasn't the first incident, but it was the first time I could positively identify the culprit. The other 3 times (all involved poop on the rugs, once with a pee puddle on the nearby vinyl flooring) I deduced a reason I was being communicated with, one of the food bowls' bottom was exposed, I took longer than usual to clean the litter, and I had an overnight guest. But this time we had a sunshine and rainbows kind of day, so what's the deal? 

I initially assumed the bed pee was a communication, but that doesn't make sense. I don't think it's a medical issue, she's 2 and an indoor cat, quite healthy. So is it a territory thing with her brother, Thelma? That's my best guess. She has shown signs of jealousy and retribution when she sees him getting attention, even attacking him when we're all playing together. How do I teach a cat to be fair, or at least calm her anxiety enough that she doesn't act out with her waste? There are suggestions, of course. The pheromone plug-in, anxiety supplements, etc. If it keeps happening I'll probably look into those options. But for now I'm trying a couple things. 

One article recommended feeding treats on the bed as most animals won't do their business where they eat. So I moved our twice daily ritual of Treats and Pets to the bed. I tried it tonight. Louise adapted quickly but Thelma got spooked both times he braved the bed and didn't get a single treat or pet. I'll try once or twice more, but that could easily become imbalanced if Louise has an advantage. She is the alpha so Thelma toes the line pretty diligently and would rather miss out than face conflict with his sister.

The other idea is to not allow Louise on the bed again until Thelma starts to feel more confident up there. But the jealousy might make that one backfire. I mean, I wonder if she felt so good after our cuddly day that she was desperate to hold onto it, 'what if Thelma strides in and takes this from me?' I don't know, that's probably anthropomorphizing but I'm looking at all the options I can think of.

 

You're a Cat Lady!

Ok, fine. I'm the cat lady. I love my cats, Thelma and Louise. They're two year old darlings, full of rollypolyfluffyplayfulness. Here are their most recent glamour shots.

 

Purrfect. I know.

Gladdening the Mind Back to Now

 Life. What a journey! We experience everything from deep sorrow to mind blowing elation on a cycle that seems both random and predictable. So much is out of our control, I sometimes feel overwhelmed to the point of motivational paralysis. At these times I reach for habitual comforts: alcohol, social media, TV, etc. These activities are fine in moderation, in my opinion, but I find an over reliance on them creates an undercurrent of ennui that settles deeply. I lose inspiration for experiences that bring pleasure. It's a sort of spiritual water treading that eventually asks to be addressed. 

My main toolbox for this is mindfulness meditation, and for this writing I'm pulling out gladdening the mind and present moment awareness. These are two excellent tools for getting myself back to center, where I can widen and gentle my perspective. From there, life flows more smoothly.

Gladdening the mind is like finding your happy place and hanging out for awhile. One teacher guided a meditation on this by having us visualize the sky filled with a wide smile. Then, seeing that smile grow in our hearts, minds and bodies. Feeling a big smile radiate outward feels really good! 

This idea isn't limited to meditators. Neuroscience supports the idea that we can change our happiness set point by paying more attention to positive experiences. Beyond simply noticing the good stuff, scientists recommend holding these thoughts and feelings in mind for as long as possible. Enjoying a prolonged positive moment builds neural connections in the brain that allow us to more easily do so in the future. It's like building a muscle, or creating a path through the flora to our joy. The happier we are, the happier we will be.

My life is very good, so when I find myself wading through light depressions I know I have this mindfulness toolbox available and that it will help. Recently, I brought it out for some overdue maintenance and decluttering.  

My 50th birthday was this week. I like to use milestones to take stock in my life and retrain my attention toward a chosen direction. So, I planned a solo mindfulness retreat for last weekend. I stocked my house with delicious foods, both healthy and decadent. I bought flowers and candles. I set up a new altar. And I gathered books and documentaries that were in line with my focus for the weekend. 

The daily schedule was somewhat loose. I got up and went to bed when I wanted to. I meditated three times daily, but not at a particular time, and I filled the spaces between with the prearranged books and documentaries I had gathered. I allowed myself to smoke weed, but drank no alcohol and avoided the internet (except for the docs).

It was a beautiful experience. There were no blasts of inspiration or mystical visions, just a gentle, steady gladdening and emptying of this being. I came out of it feeling confident, easy, and totally content to be in my 50s!

I had an interesting observation with the absence of social media. First, it was probably the most challenging restriction I observed over the retreat. This surprised me. I think of social media as a time filler, which is how it began for me. But the days of looking at MySpace for 15 minutes and being done with it are far in the past. Now, I have a twice daily routine of allowing myself to scroll through Facebook, Instagram and several news feeds. I estimate a minimum of 2 hours per day. No judgment on others' habits here, I like to track behavior because it helps me. 

Second, it seems that my mental flow has begun to resemble a media feed. I noticed it Sunday night of the retreat. By then, I was feeling energetic and inspired and found it difficult to fall asleep. I used all my tricks, gummies, mindful breathing, soft music...nothing worked. I lay in bed, observing my mind and noticed how I dash from one thought to another without really completing any of them. Have I always been this easily distracted? I don't think so. I've been noticing it for awhile, asking friends if they too notice that as they get older, the ADHD seems to be getting worse? I don't know, the data set is weak, but it's worth considering just for half a second, then I'll think about puppies. 

The tool I'm using for this is present moment awareness. I've been working on this one for years. It's challenging to be fully present in each moment. My mind is used to worries, plans, and ruminations. How can I just, what, be? Slow breath in. Slow breath out. Again and again, noticing the breath, being present in my body, feeling the energy of other beings, observing the natural world around me...again and again. Slowly acclimating to being glad and just being. 

I know this is a long one, but I want to recommend some of the documentaries I watched. All three of these are deeply inspiring to me:

Mission: Joy Finding Happiness in Troubled Times

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Have Arrived, I Am Home 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ram Dass, Going Home 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you for being!