Gladdening the Mind Back to Now

 Life. What a journey! We experience everything from deep sorrow to mind blowing elation on a cycle that seems both random and predictable. So much is out of our control, I sometimes feel overwhelmed to the point of motivational paralysis. At these times I reach for habitual comforts: alcohol, social media, TV, etc. These activities are fine in moderation, in my opinion, but I find an over reliance on them creates an undercurrent of ennui that settles deeply. I lose inspiration for experiences that bring pleasure. It's a sort of spiritual water treading that eventually asks to be addressed. 

My main toolbox for this is mindfulness meditation, and for this writing I'm pulling out gladdening the mind and present moment awareness. These are two excellent tools for getting myself back to center, where I can widen and gentle my perspective. From there, life flows more smoothly.

Gladdening the mind is like finding your happy place and hanging out for awhile. One teacher guided a meditation on this by having us visualize the sky filled with a wide smile. Then, seeing that smile grow in our hearts, minds and bodies. Feeling a big smile radiate outward feels really good! 

This idea isn't limited to meditators. Neuroscience supports the idea that we can change our happiness set point by paying more attention to positive experiences. Beyond simply noticing the good stuff, scientists recommend holding these thoughts and feelings in mind for as long as possible. Enjoying a prolonged positive moment builds neural connections in the brain that allow us to more easily do so in the future. It's like building a muscle, or creating a path through the flora to our joy. The happier we are, the happier we will be.

My life is very good, so when I find myself wading through light depressions I know I have this mindfulness toolbox available and that it will help. Recently, I brought it out for some overdue maintenance and decluttering.  

My 50th birthday was this week. I like to use milestones to take stock in my life and retrain my attention toward a chosen direction. So, I planned a solo mindfulness retreat for last weekend. I stocked my house with delicious foods, both healthy and decadent. I bought flowers and candles. I set up a new altar. And I gathered books and documentaries that were in line with my focus for the weekend. 

The daily schedule was somewhat loose. I got up and went to bed when I wanted to. I meditated three times daily, but not at a particular time, and I filled the spaces between with the prearranged books and documentaries I had gathered. I allowed myself to smoke weed, but drank no alcohol and avoided the internet (except for the docs).

It was a beautiful experience. There were no blasts of inspiration or mystical visions, just a gentle, steady gladdening and emptying of this being. I came out of it feeling confident, easy, and totally content to be in my 50s!

I had an interesting observation with the absence of social media. First, it was probably the most challenging restriction I observed over the retreat. This surprised me. I think of social media as a time filler, which is how it began for me. But the days of looking at MySpace for 15 minutes and being done with it are far in the past. Now, I have a twice daily routine of allowing myself to scroll through Facebook, Instagram and several news feeds. I estimate a minimum of 2 hours per day. No judgment on others' habits here, I like to track behavior because it helps me. 

Second, it seems that my mental flow has begun to resemble a media feed. I noticed it Sunday night of the retreat. By then, I was feeling energetic and inspired and found it difficult to fall asleep. I used all my tricks, gummies, mindful breathing, soft music...nothing worked. I lay in bed, observing my mind and noticed how I dash from one thought to another without really completing any of them. Have I always been this easily distracted? I don't think so. I've been noticing it for awhile, asking friends if they too notice that as they get older, the ADHD seems to be getting worse? I don't know, the data set is weak, but it's worth considering just for half a second, then I'll think about puppies. 

The tool I'm using for this is present moment awareness. I've been working on this one for years. It's challenging to be fully present in each moment. My mind is used to worries, plans, and ruminations. How can I just, what, be? Slow breath in. Slow breath out. Again and again, noticing the breath, being present in my body, feeling the energy of other beings, observing the natural world around me...again and again. Slowly acclimating to being glad and just being. 

I know this is a long one, but I want to recommend some of the documentaries I watched. All three of these are deeply inspiring to me:

Mission: Joy Finding Happiness in Troubled Times

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Have Arrived, I Am Home 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ram Dass, Going Home 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you for being!

Happy Birthday, Dad!

 

Today would have been my dad's 68th birthday. This photo is my mom, dad and I in 1973. It looks like my mom is sewing (she's still a crazy active seamstress), I'm dozing, and dad is trying to be cool in what wasn't a great situation. I've always wondered about the crooked drawing taped to the wall. Who drew it? Who is the subject? I'll have to ask mom if she remembers. 

My parents had me at 18. After I was born, they had domestic issues (surprise!) so mom and I moved in with my aunt and uncle for awhile. I'm pretty sure this photo was taken at their house. The writing on the back looks like my maternal grandmother's. Maybe it was a get-together? The date on the photo is July 73. Could have been a barbecue, who knows?

It's hard to imagine what dad would have been like now. He was 51 when he died in a car crash. Mom had left him not long before and he was an emotional mess. It was a shitty time for all of us. I think of him often and wonder if he would have healed through the trauma, ready to start over on his own terms or would he have devolved into alcoholism and anger? Either would have been possible.

Dad was very intelligent but uneducated. He suffered the typical frustration of poor, smart kids. He worked in the trades all his life and was known to gripe frequently about the "rat race". The work was physically hard, often psychologically demeaning then he would come home to four kids. So he was often grumpy, yelling at us to be quiet so he could hear the news.

He was also playful. When I was about 5, he asked mom to sew some knee pads so he could crawl around with me on his back yelling "giddyup!". "Horsie" was one of my favorite games with him back then. I guess it did a number on his knees - until mom made those adorable pink flannel knee pads! He also liked to sing and would do it with an overly expressive, hamming it up kind of performance style. I loved that.  

Happy Birthday, Dad! I hope some fragment of you is out there, singing Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Ole Oak Tree and having a cold one. Cheers!

Friday the 13th!!!

Friday the 13th!!! Neat! I've never been one to feel any reluctance about this day. Actually, I often find it is perfectly pleasant. Besides, how can one not be a fan of such an excellent prime number?

So far so good anyway. I've coffeed, crossworded, played Treats and Pets with the cats, meditated and now I eat and blog. 

I love it when my cats and I invent a new game together. It can't be forced or contrived. Cat games are like art, the inspiration comes unexpectedly in a little whirlwind of delightful whimsy. Last night Louise was hiding in her tube on our galaxy rug, which was out of place. I told her she was going for a ride then slowly started pulling the rug into place, saying in a sing-song voice "woowoo....woowoo". She darted from the tube a few feet, turned to look at me and I asked if she liked it? She went back in the tube! I then pulled and pushed the rug around gently, saying "woowoo" for a few minutes. She stayed in the tube and Thelma came to investigate. All in all, I think it was a win and hopefully we have a new game! Here's a photo of another playtime on the galaxy rug, which makes for such an excellent backdrop.

As I mentioned previously, I would like to be a regular blogger but I haven't been doing so well with the regularity part. Maybe I need some writer's inspirational fiber, but then wouldn't I just fart words out to relieve internal pressures? I don't want to do that to you! I do crack myself up, pun intended. But seriously folks, my initial goal is to do this once a week. That could mean I post shorter blips sometimes. That's fine. I think it's more important to get a routine established which can then become a habit. Once I don't have to remember to cajole myself into it, I may find a natural, regular urge to have something to write in this abstract, vulnerable, sortofbutnotreally anonymous format.

Cheers!

Family

Crisp white snow weighs branches

As I smoke and sip wine in the lamp lit hotel parking lot.

I came here to love.

Waiting for night to pass.

Tomorrow I will drive through winter barren wine country to hold you along the banks of my heart for a few brief hours.

I came to breathe in love.

My sister at the wheel, we roll across gravel to your warm embrace.

Souls and bodies fed.

Time passes quickly

And we are on the road again.

I came to be loved.

And now across the gully

To your wooded home,

I see you as never before, yet as you have always been

A sparkling gift wrapped in time's passage.

I do not want to say goodbye.

I want to love.

Gratitude

Today I practice being in love

Not a jumpy, romantic love - 

That blushing new love that takes our breath away.

 

Today I practice being in love with the moment

This moment, with its peace and comfort

This quiet breath

The two cats snuggled in, somewhere in the next room

The full refrigerator

So many people who love me, right this second

    no matter my mistakes.

Love, liberator of the fretful mind

Fills my lungs with sweet freshness

Making colors soft, and now, more vivid

I can wait all day in traffic with this love

I can smile at strangers, 

Breathe through the pain,

walk softly on the earth

    feeling the pressure and temperature

    of her blessed body

    under the soles of my perfect feet.

 

Coast Trip!

My sister, Kim, and I spent Saturday and Sunday in Yachats for a little holiday shopping. We had a blast as always. The shops there are quaint little gems. Some are specialty gift shops, like the kitchen gadget place. Others are a random mish-mash, like the mercantile that has everything from finger puppets to plumbing. I bought some felted wool catnip toys there, for Thelma and Louise.

We patronized The Drift Inn 3 times! That place is awesome. We considered other options, but when looking at vibe, menu, and whether or not there is a full bar, The Drift Inn has it all. For dinner we ordered the rib eye with gorgonzola balsamic reduction and the coconut crusted halibut, then split them between us. It was transcendent. I followed my usual vacation bloody mary protocol. Kim went for her usual mimosas, but then threw imbibement tradition on its head with a couple of white russians! The scandal!

Driving there was maybe the least stressful it's ever been. Nobody followed too closely on the winding roads or passed dangerously close to oncoming traffic. The low autumn sun filtered golden light beams through the forest as we headed west. The ocean was calm, skies were blue. Just perfect.

 

Let's Try This Again!

I first wrote a draft of this post in Word. I was excited to try my hand as a personal blogger for the first time! Then when looking for a hosting site, I found this forgotten blog of mine from 2015! It's totally what I intended to create but now don't have to! I'm somewhat surprised at how similar my thoughts are/were. I guess I haven't changed much, which is fine. Anyway, here we go...

There are a handful of bloggers I enjoy reading, and find myself wishing they would post more often. This leads me to ask, why not me? I like to write, I’m constantly overthinking everything, and journaling helps me sort things out. A regular blog could be a healing activity. And if it helps me, it could help others or at least provide some entertainment! 

What I like about my favorite blogs: 

    • Regular posts 

I like a writer who posts at least once a week 

    • Not too long, only occasionally too short 

Reading blogs, for me, is a much needed break from social media and the news. I don’t want to read pages of content. On the other hand, I like a nice little story or insight. I think the ideal is about the equivalent of one typed page. Every now and then, one of my faves will write a briefer post, either following up on something from a recent post or as a check-in when they haven’t posted in a while. I like this. It tidies up loose ends and soothes separation anxiety. 

     • Personally engaging 

When I feel drawn to a blog, it is because I enjoy the writer’s perspective and admire their willingness to share it. One reason I haven’t done a personal blog before, is that I worry I will embarrass myself with said sharing. I have faults! Sometimes I don’t see them until they’ve been exposed! Yikes! 

That said I love reading about people’s lives. The everyday struggles and triumphs, relationships, hobbies, frustrations…and the coping skills to manage it all. People need to feel connected to community. We feel validated and less alone when we see others are struggling in similar ways to us. I find it soothing to read a blog about a lazy weekend, or a shitty day at work and how it’s finally over. 

I’ll try to follow my own guidelines. 

It’s Friday. I always have a to-do list for the weekend. This time it’s: yard clean-up, truck tune-up, and holiday craft-up! Typically, Monday rolls around to find list completion somewhat lacking. I really need to get that tune-up done though. I’ve been putting it off and it’s supposed to be a dry weekend. Gitterdone! Bevrolet the Chevrolet and I have a date!

Bev    

Happy Weekend!